- operator: 911, please hold.
- me: stop murdering me for a sec; we're on hold.
- murderer: ok
“Hello Stella, are you okay?”
“… is your refrigerator running?”
“Stella, we’re all getting a little tired of your bullshit”
sometimes i forget how old i am and when people irl ask how old i am i hesitate for like 5 seconds because i cant remember
Today I showed my friend a cut on my hand and I asked if it looked infected, he said maybe I should put some alcohol on it, alcohol! ALCOHOL? SO I STOOD UP AND PUNCHED HIM IN THE FACE AND THEN DRANK HIS TEARS AND SAID “IM STRAIGHT FUCKING EDGE I’LL SEE YOU IN THE FUCKIN PIT
i just don’t know how to do anything right do i?
people who send themselves asks to look relevant
- teacher: what's something that you need that you can't see or feel?
- person: air
- me: wifi
I wonder if Adele’s baby was planned or if it just turned up out of the blue uninvited
- scientist: I cured cancer!
- white girls: *you're